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Hi those who are reading this journal

Just had to say something quickly before I run off to write some more bookstuff...

I've been offline for about 9 (nine. *NINE*) days (DAYS. Not minutes, hours, not even weeks or years ). I don't mean I was only off dA, I mean completely offline, okay? Off the Internet, in other words. I don't only mean via computer, I mean via other means too. (Unless the television counts as Internet these days but I didn't do netty or interactive stuff via television, I promise). I didn't PLAN this being offline thing, I guess it was planned FOR me, maybe. But yeah it gave me more opportunity to focus even more on writing my creative inspired stuffness for LookInside. I have been writing (which includes editing at the same time) at a furious pace, or as much as I can manage anyway. My chest would burst if I didn't anyway, my heart has to let it all out or I would explode, I suppose. Even with being offline constantly since the start of last weekend, it still feels like I don't have enough time to do whatever but yeahhhh I'll survive, I guess. Anyway no matter how much of a loser I may seem, I'll just keep looking like a loser then until I actually make sense to those I'm supposed to mean something to I do apologise for taking ages to reply to most messages and I apologise that I hardly even comment (and so on) and I don't get a chance to thank people for faves or rare comments on my old uploads Oh and I also appreciate when people decide to watch me still, for whatever reason. I know I still mean something even if I can't prove it right now. Even if all I seem to do is drift further and further away into a self-contained world of special fiction-writing Well, it is special, even if it's 'merely' writing for the moment because I know it comes from my heart and I know where that comes from. More than just comes from, but yeah. Even if one day I wouldn't care less if I never had to write another word or even eat another piece of chocolate because I may be too happy for all that normal stuff (yes, I have bigger dreams than anyone because I'm mental like that, aight? No because of other reasons... though they may not seem sane reasons. But I dream that big not just for ME, but for many others across the globe too. And even if things try to kick me down over those dreams, well... I just have to keep going cos the Cosmos/etc says so, mkay?)

I can be a real wuss at times even if it's not so much cowardice as it is pain avoidance. Guarding my soft sensitive heart. Sometimes it's hard to open an email here and there in case I'm being judged or misinterpreted because I do know things even if people don't believe I could possibly know stuff because I'm just a mere human being (one who hasn't succeeded in life yet, let me remind you!). But I will just have to keep trusting that I am succeeding at listening to my heart and doing what it tells me or urges me against all odds. I am more different than you'd believe, I think. But at the same time I'm not trying to be a weirdo or freak, it just probably can't be understood right at the moment. Let's hope I'll still be alive when it's understood because yeah, it's important that I remain alive, yet not lose my heartiest beliefs and indeed wisdom.

Hmmmm, so I just wanted to say hello, really, because a lot of people do matter so much to me and many of those are on dA. I hate disappointing so many people all the time, but I get disappointed daily too and I am doing my very very best, I know I am, even if it doesn't appear good enough (yet).

I love ya. Lots.

By the way my characters, including a whole bunch of new ones (again) - ones I don't have artwork of - it's not as if they can make me blissfully happy themselves, so I don't just hide inside my writing even if I do guard that writing for now because it doesn't deserve to be torn apart, it comes from my heart and that kind of 'art' or love actually, doesn't deserve CRIT, just like some painted/sketched/drawn/illustrated artwork doesn't deserve criticism (constuctive or otherwise) because it can be an expression from the depths of you and other people shouldn't have to tear that apart or even poke at it a little. Heh, I do get my writing read by at least one person all the time for proofreading and to help where I am not as clear to a reader and many other reasons, I don't mean nobody has a right to point out errors or hazy stuff, but I am protective of it too, in a way I should be. Anyway as I was saying, I don't create my characters in order to expect them to fulfill my life, NO I do it because I feel they need to be created to express who I am and also to help others in future. No way would I ever ram anything down other people's throats, so it's their choice if they'd want to read what I wrote/write, and if it helps them, well that's awesome. But yes my happiness could eventually only come from from in-person interaction, at the end of the day. At least for now before that happens, my writing can at least surprise even me at times, even amaze me in some moments when I didn't know I was going to write that, wow! How cool that I'm not as big an idiot as I may seem to people. Some kind of stubborn fool who won't let go of nonsense ideas. You know what? I have to be TRUE to myself. I can't be a zombie and a puppet for society or other people's wishes. I simply can't. I MUST follow my intuition, I have to. I deserve to have the kind of happiness I need. It's simple, I need love-happiness, the most intense kind. I'm THAT simple, yet I am super-complex too. And that's quite special, but each day I also feel so guilty because I don't live my life in a way that people are trying to get me to. I understand though, I can be a 'hermit' in many ways, but that is temporary. It won't stay like this. Just necessary for now, for deep development and expression to take place, from my side. And many other reasons. Many. So I get hurt and I heal and I'm waiting for the day when people don't have to keep re-healing from all the pain. It's going to happen. Has to.

I won't stop (but I guess things will keep trying to make me stop until the levels of goodness in the world properly overpower the levels of badness).

Going to keep listening to my innerness. I've ben through too much, known too many wonderful people, been cared about by too many special individuals, to just believe I'm a normal nothing. I do know who I am.  I do. But it hurts everyday to be who I am rather than just a piece of mediocrity, rather than be a responsible family-person or a human with a regular job. Can't help it, I'm sorry, I have to be who I am for the sake of love and more. (No matter how nuts I sound saying that. Everyday I have to check with myself if I am not perhaps unbalanced, stupid, insane, off-the-rails, etc etc. Every DAY. I must be one eccentric freak by now, but I'll risk it, I suppose, I'll risk being judged over it, for the sake of a far better world in future.) I must do what I must do even if sometimes I say, I can't believe this, I really can't believe I have to go through so much hell. Sure, I often say it would be better if I was dead. Possibly every day I say that sort of thing while believing the complete opposite at the same time. Extreme paradox. For now. What a loopy loon, ey? Shame Well, you're welcome to keep me in your thoughts, in your best good thoughts cos I don't want people making voodoo dolls of me now, you hear??? Haha. But seriously, DON'T! Sometimes I feel as if people even pray the wrong stuff for me, you know? Cos they may not believe in the best, they just want me to be normal, but please whoever, I am not a usual person, I was born to be different even if later I may have quite a 'normal' existence where I can socialise with relatives and stuff, with friends and whoever. Mostly be happily in love.  I experience massive guidance inside of me, massive, feelable guidance. So I have to go against the grain, yup, do what's necessary. I mustn't stop. So rather wish me well, nothing specific, really, just wish me goodness and the rest should follow.

I do LOVE very easily, I do, and so what? It's good, but that makes me hurt to disappoint people, hurt a lot. But I believe that disappointment will be erased later, replaced with good stuff.

I'll try not to stay offline for another NINE DAYS straight But we'll see how it goes.



If a book can be a song, if lyrics can be way long,
Then I'm still writing, composing, singing, orchestrating
A DifferenTune
My LookInside will be ready eventually
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