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Do I even know how to write a journal here any more??
This will be a short one anyway, even for me!
So if you were expecting something exciting or fun, I'll have to disappoint you.
I just basically want to apologise for generally being so bad at keeping in touch and to ask you to please bear with me, somehow, unless you can't be bothered to, that is! I could call myself all kinds of negative names, even 'lazy' (which is even a MILD negative term I know, nothing major), but honestly I'm doing whatever I can, and from my heart. I know I neglect so many people, but I hope it won't matter in the end, I dearly hope everything will work out!! I always feel SO bad about people I'm no longer in touch with (temporarily in many cases, but it's often a LONG period of temporary, I realise!) and also about whoever I 'owe' messages or notes or replies. I think what's harder in terms of typing long replies to things is the fact that I already spend a lot of time writing/typing, so then it makes me 'lazy' to reply to messages, depending on whether I feel it's urgent etc. But it's not really laziness, it's having far too little time to do everything people expect of me (and certain things I have to prioritise), so when I can't please everyone and probably actually please nobody for the moment, well... all I can rely on is my intuition and heart and do what I CAN and what I feel I must instantly do, or what I need to do in whichever moment that comes along. I'm sure I look like a failure and a freak still, to many people, but I'll just have to bear that burden right now. Really, I'm sorry that I may seem pathetic in so many ways, but I can't let that stop me from doing what I know I must. I have to risk all judgement from others and the impatience of everyone or anyone, including myself. I'm sorry if this seems like self-pity, but I do go through a bloody hard time.
And I know I'm not the only one. Believe me, I know.
Please take care and try to be good
Seriously, genuinely, uniquely, courageously good. Even when it may make people think you're 'lazy' about normal things, or a freakish failure.
Tons of love,
Melodious! If a book can be a song, if lyrics can be way long,
Then I'm still writing, composing, singing, orchestrating
My LookInside will be ready eventually
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